Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the greatest show on earth! Welcome to the Three Ring Circus otherwise known as the National Football League! Unfortunately, our Ringmaster Sean Payton won’t be able to make it tonight…or the rest of the year for that matter, but the show must go on. And what a show we have!
Unfortunately, we don’t have a singing fat lady, but we do have Rex Ryan. Listen carefully as he opens his big mouth and once again proclaims New York a “Jets town” while simultaneously downing a Cheesy Gordita Crunch. Did I mention he also doubles as a fortune teller? No need for a crystal ball here. Just let Madame Rexy rub your feet and tell you what’s in store for the future. Boy does this guy know what he’s talking about. Remember when he predicted a win for New York last year?
Now I’d like you to focus your attention above me. On the tight rope we have Tim Tebow, so high up he can practically touch God. Don’t worry about falling off Chosen One, you’re a Jet now, you can fly. Be careful though Timmy Boy, you’re about to get dangerously close to the fire eater aka Mark Sanchez. Watch out for his flames, they’ll swallow you up and swipe that V-card faster than you can say “Hail Mary.” All the Tebowing in the world can’t save you now.
Look kids, here comes the clown. You’re going to laugh your head off as you watch Santonio Holmes pout like a five-year-old, throw temper tantrums on the field and ball out his quarterback.
And for the final act, the two-time Super Bowl MVP’s older brother, otherwise known as Peyton Manning, will attempt a feat so daring you’ll swear it can’t be true. The quarterback will try to ride an untamed colt standing up. Hold on a second, it looks as though Manning has made a last minute switch. He has decided to trade in his colt for a bronco! That’s right folks, the 36-year-old will try to do something Jay Cutler only dreamed out doing. Let’s see if Peyton can ride that bronco all the way to the Super Bowl.
Prepared to be amazed NFL fans, this is going to be one helluva a show.