Getchya No. 2 Pencils Ready

What’s up, kids? Miss me? Well grab your No. 2 pencils because school’s back in session and, more importantly, Blitz Ditz is back in action. Sorry for the brief hiatus (yes, I realize this “brief” hiatus was longer than Chad Ochocinco Johnson’s marriage), but I was too busy playing poker in Vegas with Prince Harry and consoling Robert Pattison (turns out that was a huge waste of time. No really I’m thrilled you’ve chosen to overlook K-Stew’s infidelities, what’s a little cheating in the scheme of things) to get to a computer. It’s all good though because the boys are back in the UK, football season is in full force, and I am ready to entertain the masses…or all two people who read this blog (hi mom and dad!).

So, let’s talk fantasy football. I’m taking part in another league this year and once again the stakes are not even remotely high. AKA there are no stakes other than the ever prestigious bragging rights. All of you hardcore fantasy football dudes out there probably just threw up a little in your mouths. But c’mon, what did you expect in an all girls league with the name “Girls Rule, Boys Drool?”

Don’t worry though, we actually are taking this somewhat seriously. And by that I mean, we had a real draft. Fine don’t be impressed, but it’s a huge step up from the auto draft we did last year. Baby steps, my friends, baby steps. And while we’re only 6 weeks in, I’ve already learned some extremely valuable lessons.

Lesson 1: Just because a player was awesome last year does not guarantee he’ll be equally as impressive this year. Yes, I’m talking about you Aaron Rodgers. Unfortunately for me (and the Packers), the QB got off to a bit of a rough start the first three weeks of the season putting up 24, 11, and 9 points. Fortunately for me (…and all other Rodgers owners, but really who cares about them, this is a blog about me sports), his production picked up these last three weeks. And Sunday, Rodgers completely redeemed himself with an impressive 44 points. Okay fine Aaron, you’re forgiven.

Lesson 2: Do NOT walk away from the computer during the draft no matter how badly you may have to go to the bathroom. Why? Because as soon as you step away your opponents will suddenly decide to make their picks really quickly and before you know it your turn has rolled around. Only problem is you’re not there to make a selection, time then proceeds to run out, and the auto draft function puts Santonio Holmes on your team. Real cool. If you’re into that kind of thing.

Lesson 3: Don’t underestimate the kicker. It’s no secret that I have a special place in my heart for kickers/punters. After all, I am the proud owner of a Feagles jersey. Go ahead make fun, but I’m pretty sure Feagles will go down as one of the best Giants of all time. And unlike some other players in this category, he’s never been arrested for sleeping with a teen prostitute (‘sup Lawrence Taylor. I know I know, she totally looked 17). Granted kickers don’t typically put up as many points as offensive players, but they can determine the outcome of a game. This is exactly what happened in week 4 when Chicago Bears kicker Robbie Gould put up 11 points and led my team to victory. So go ahead, keep hating. Meanwhile, I’ll keep winning.

Lesson 4: Do not bench Ahmad Bradshaw when he decides to have one of the best games of his career. Yup, I’m the genius who sat Bradshaw in week 5 against the Browns. Of course, this was the week he chose to throw down 26 points. Clearly I’m a fantasy football natural. Need some solid advice on how to lose? Call me…or Juan Castillo (rumor has it he has a lot of time on his hands these days).

Lesson 5: I have no willpower. Okay fine, I already knew this, but the draft proved it. You see, after last season I made a promise to myself that I would under no circumstances choose Jay Cutler. As anyone who has ever read this blog knows, I do NOT like Jay Cutler (almost as much as I dislike Philip Rivers). Because how likeable can a world class jerk with a terrible attitude be? I’m guessing the teammates Cutler balled out during the Bears’ loss to the Packers or the offensive coordinator Cutler walked away from during the game against the Cowboys would agree. Homeboy’s a real gem. So yea, I vowed I wouldn’t take Cutler (even if this totally goes against all fantasy football purists’ rules). And I REALLY meant it. But then, I kinda sorta found Cutler just sitting there in the later rounds, got caught in a moment of weakness, and next thing I know I’ve drafted the Bears QB as my back up. I’m pleading temporary insanity. Obviously this was not my fault, I got tricked (side note: this will be the same excuse I use tonight after polishing off a pint of Ben & Jerry’s).

Okay kids, I think that’s enough learning for one day. Hope you took notes. Man it’s good to be back.